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An Onion Special to the Eggstra

AREA BANKER'S HEAD EXPLODES


In an unprecedented medical event, area banker Alan Jefferson was the first human being to have a Spontaneous Cerebral Cataclysm, more commonly known as "his head exploded." It happened when the last square of the Super Bowl pool board was sold and he hit “send” on his email.


Fellow Rotarian and host Rob Foy was standing next to Jefferson when it occurred. "He let out a yell that the squares were set and then 'poof'', his head was just…gone. Nothing left but the smoking stump of his neck. I expected to get stuff on me, but there was nothing in there but used ticket stubs from the University of Maryland. Sort of like confetti. Actually, it was kind of festive, like New Year's."


Another witness, Darrell Nevin was almost unable to respond, just shaking his head and muttering "Just like we thought. Nothing but Terp tickets..."


Associates had long awaited this event, figuring it would happen when Maryland won the National Championship a few years back or when a Rotary meeting ran over by a whole 2 minutes.


Hostess Anne Marie Foy was last seen on the phone negotiating with the Hazmat Unit to help clean up the mess. Rumors of help from FEMA have not been confirmed.


"I'm sure we are going to miss him. We’ll be hours getting over this,” offered Ken Solow. "Of course, the biggest loss is that we'll have to get someone else to run the pool next year. Is Jimmy the Greek still dead?"


Jefferson is survived by his wife Mary who, when reached by phone responded "Alan who?" His children were unavailable for comment as they were arguing over what to do with the money they made on ebay selling his Grateful Dead memorabilia. Amanda wants to invest it. David wants to just spend the entire $15.

The banking industry is trying to assess their loss. H. Farnsworth Debit, noted banking folklorist, predicts that the industry will slide into chaos. "Alan Jefferson's contribution to competitive banking sales cannot be overestimated," he said, "Bankers will no longer be able to close the deal by saying 'Well, at least I'm not Alan Jefferson'." Sundry Springs Bank will be draping a couple of ATM's in black for several minutes in honor of their lost employee.


Bank plans for a memorial service are being delayed while an expense account issue is investigated. It appears that Mr. Jefferson made up to 200 separate $100 withdrawals from various accounts over the last week, leaving behind cryptic notes such as "Board B: Saints 4, Colts 8." A bank representative refused comment, other than to say she was sure he did it.

In a related story, The Rotary Club of Columbia Patuxent raised over $13,000 for local charities. Mr. Jefferson would be very proud, if he were still in possession of his head.

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The New Rules of Marketing and PR keynote presentation and Q&A session delivered by David Meerman Scott at the Business Marketing Association 2009 national “Unlearn” conference. Scott spoke June 10, 2009 at the sold-out conference held in Chicago’s Drake Hotel. Since the BMA is a business-to-business organization, Scott’s keynote is tailored to a B-to-B audience. Scott argues that when others spread your ideas and tell your stories online, buyers are eager to do business with you and all kinds of doors begin to open.

David Meerman Scott keynote at BMA 2009 national conference from David Meerman Scott on Vimeo.

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Practical Wisdom

Barry Schwartz makes a passionate call for “practical wisdom” as an antidote to a society gone mad with bureaucracy. He argues powerfully that rules often fail us, incentives often backfire, and practical, everyday wisdom will help rebuild our world.
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Peace Day

Here's an interesting and inspirational video on the efforts to establish and international day of peace. As Rotarians, this effort meshes perfectly with our goals for world peace and understanding. Check it out.
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